Prayer Journal

I have done a lot of thinking about prayer lately. Daniel and I have been talking about me and what I can do to not worry so much about him and his happiness. I spend too much energy worrying about whether or not he is sad or mad or tired or ... needs more attention or just everything. But this is not something I have control over so why am I letting it control me so much. I really have exhausted myself over the years trying to make him happy when the truth is, my actions may not influence him and even if they do, it might not be for the same reason I was intending. I have been praying all day for more than a week (really I have been praying about this for years) and I know I will continue to pray that I will not worry myself over his choices. This has brought me to an honest discussion with myself about prayer. I have been trying to pray Daniel into the behavior I want.

The summer of 2019 I took my family to visit Leslie and her girls while she was working in Washington DC. One Sunday we attended a ward in DC. The teacher gave the most interesting lesson on Prayer. Now, how many lessons have I heard on prayer? How many lessons have I given on prayer? TOO MANY!!! But this lesson struck me in a very different way. The teacher taught me what it really means to put God’s will first. For example, instead of praying for my daughter to go on a mission, I should be praying that my daughter has a testimony of missionary work. Her point was that I cannot will someone to do something or will God to do something. Our prayers should be such that it is centered on what I can do.

So I am trying to do that with my feelings towards Daniel. I have to pray my feelings and my heart to change. And if I am worried about how the kids are going to react to Daniel’s behavior, I have to pray that I will teach them ...something or I will be an example of ...something.... I am not exactly sure. I am still working on how to implement this obvious epiphany. Anyway it is an amazing concept and I now have a love hate relationship with prayer. I forgot to mention that I love praying. I really believe God is up in heaven just waiting to hear from me...really. He wants to hear my thoughts and help me. I totally believe if I ask for something I really need He will answer me.